The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 (2011) PG-13

It's been nearly two months since the release of the fourth Twilight film. Sorry about that. It's just taken a lot of courage to admit I actually saw this laugh-riot of a "film." It probably wasn't a great idea to view Breaking Dawn being that I skipped Eclipse, but I'm glad I gave it a chance for so many reasons. Apparently it's Bill Condon's (Dreamgirls, Kinsey) turn to try and direct Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner. Good luck, buddy. Condon is also on board for Breaking Dawn - Part 2. These three young actors are quite bad, and aren't improving in the very least; especially Lautner, he's dreadful. But, I'm not here to rip on Taylor Lautner's inability to be convincing in any way, shape or form. I'm here to share my wonderful Breaking Dawn experience with y'all, which was fun for all the wrong reasons.

Where to begin? The film begins with Bella (Stewart) getting primped for her impending wedding by Edward's (Pattinson) beautiful, yet creepy sisters. Edward is looking on and is as pasty as ever. Bella is making her usual annoying facial expressions and those hilarious grunts she makes every time she opens her mouth. All is well in Forks it would appear. Meanwhile, Jacob (Lautner) is doing his best Wolfman impersonation in the woods somewhere. Of course we all know he's crazy jealous of Edward, his pale face and his anorexic girlfriend.

The first 40 minutes of the film covers the Cullen/Swan wedding, which is beautiful and probably cost over a million dollars (no big deal, right?). The ceremony seemingly lasts forever as white rose pedals fall from the sky and litter the ground. They kiss, people cheer, they walk, they talk, etc. Then a shirtless Jacob shows up on the scene to pay his respects and steals Bella for a quick dance in the woods, where he upsets Bella because that's what he's good at. Edward comes to her rescue and tells Jake to butt-out!

Whatever, nothing meaningful has happened yet. Now it's time for their amazingly boring honeymoon! It takes place at the most expensive resort in the history of mankind, which the Cullen's apparently own. They have their own island to themselves. There's a ten minute scene where Bella prepares herself for sex, which is awkward when you're in a theater filled with ten-year-old children. Then they get naked and start humping, sobbing, sweating and moaning. Really great stuff for the whole family to enjoy! Edward hurts Bella with his mega strength and probably breaks her pelvis. He also breaks the head-board with his hulk hands. It's all rather awkward and quite funny.

The next morning Edward apologizes to Bella about his super-human penis and exclaims that he'll never touch her ever again. She resents him, and they spend the next five minutes of the film playing chess and making idiotic facial expressions to each other. It's safe to say at this point that the first hour of this abomination is the most boring and terrible hour of filmmaking this year. Sorry, no offense.

They get back from their honeymoon from Hell and prance around the house and do absolutely nothing for next few scenes before Bella...hold your breath...finds out she's pregnant with Edward's demon-seed. I think we can all expect this pasty, demon-spawn to be one ugly son of a bitch, but that's beside the point. The main reason everyone is all up in arms is because a mortal woman is unable to give birth to a vampire kid, I guess, so she will surely die! For the next 20-30 minutes the Cullen family, Charlie "Mustache-ride" Swan (Billy Burke) and the Wolf-clan led by Billy (Gil Birmingham) and Jacob all lose their shit over the pregnancy. They get up in each others faces but in the end nothing gets resolved, as usual.

To be quite honest, I don't remember a lot of the plot. I was too busy laughing at the horrific dialogue, the tremendously bad acting and ultra-fake special effects. How does one watch this film and not laugh out loud when a bunch of talking wolves have an extremely serious conversation/fight in their high, child-like human voices? Or when Bella goes from an annoying, grunting teenager to an anorexic, meth-addict looking pregnant lady? It's pretty damn funny.

I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed watching this poor excuse for an adaptation. It was a jolly good time watching Lautner struggle through his lines, the absolutely ridiculous special effects and listening to the obnoxious theater crowd yell, "Hold my dick!" Only die-hard (and I mean DIE-HARD) Twilight fans will find this droll anything but laughable. I can't wait to Break Dawn once again next year!
D-