Clash of the Titans (2010) PG-13

The Bash Begins 8.26.10. Word on the street is that there's a second 'Clash' on it's way in 2011 or 2012. Hooray! This remake was directed by Louis Leterrier. It's pretty sad when his best work, including this gem, is 'The Incredible Hulk'. Oh, and don't forget about the 'Transporter' films. I don't think I've ever seen an 85 minute epic before, or ten minute long credits, for that matter. This film stars Sam Worthington (Avatar, Terminator: Salvation) as Perseus, a fisherman turned gladiator with skills that would make an Arnold Schwarzenegger character blush. Worthington is best not seen on screen (like in Avatar), because of his acting skills (or lack there of). This film is supposed to be riddled with dazzling special effects, but most of the time they fall flat. Perseus teams up with Mads Mikkelsen (Casino Royale), Nicholas Hoult (A Single Man, The Weather Man), and the gorgeous Gemma Arterton (Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time). I'm not going to get into their names because they're all hard to pronounce and spell. Mikkelsen is the best actor in the bunch and Arterton is the eye candy with a British accent, for some odd reason.

Brothers Zeus (Liam Neeson) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes) clashed many centuries ago, but have now joined forces to bully their followers to praise them more often. Neeson (Batman Begins, After.Life) and Fiennes (The Reader, In Bruges) are both fine actors that deserve better than this waste. The legion of doom, or whatever they're called, assemble in their shiny heaven-like barracks. They want to release the kraken on every one's ass.

Perseus and his crew, battle these large (and I mean large) crabs and defeat them somehow. Then later, they ride the crabs like horses. There are so many odd slow-motion sequences along the way. I'll never forget the slow-motion sword-stab. Where Perseus stabs his sword into the ground, in slow-motion, after he fights and kills a man/creature from the movie 'Wrong Turn'. They jump around a lot when they battle for some reason, and do lots of spin-o-rama's in mid-air. The body count in this film tremendous. Rambo ain't got nothing on the titans.

Nobody bathes in these dire times, except Arterton's character of course. Nobody has a razor either, except for Hutchinson's character. Some crazy street urchin, turned town spokesman, rallies everyone to sacrifice the queen (Alexa Davalos) to the kraken. I love the scene where Zeus sends all the gods away just so he can yell, "release the kraken!" There was no need to yell, Hades was right there. The kraken scene is by far the best scene of the movie. But by that point, all interest is lost. And you're waiting for it to be over so you can watch a re-run of 'The Ghost Whisperer'. The end is abrupt, and you're left sitting there thinking, "really?" This film is best watched with a beer in hand and buddy to laugh at it with. If you haven't seen this movie yet, then please don't. You're better off renting all 14 'Final Destination' films and watching them in succession.
D+