The Haunting in Connecticut (2009) PG-13

I'm going to do my best to make this brief. This film is "based on true events." Yeaaaah, and so is The Ring. I did my research, because I knew this story was poppycock (and because I'm like that). Turns out the real story that took place in Southington, Connecticut is totally, absolutely, conclusively different. Well, this review is truthfully based on a true story. I was watching this horrible, not scary, not funny, not believable film called The Haunting in Connecticut and this is what I thought. I guarantee you'll find this review more enjoyable than watching the film. Because, well, watching it was kind of like being locked in a dirty, dusty, bug-infested, corpse-filled cellar. While a large unbathed man (who smells of something that has passed through an old woman) pokes at your eyeballs. So....enjoy!

I will mention the actors, even though I shouldn't because there wasn't any acting going on. The story is about the Campbell family. Young Matt (Kyle Gallner) has cancer, so the family has to move closer to a clinic eight hours away from home. They rent a scary, dark, creaky house for dirt cheap. Mom (Virginia Madsen) knows why (because it used to be a funeral home...where a creepy dude use to perform rituals on the dead bodies...and their souls are trapped inside the house...literally) but she keeps that from the rest of family, because she's better than everyone else apparently. Pardon my rants, there's more to come! Oh, and then there's dad (Martin Donovan) of course. He's the raging alcoholic. When he drinks he likes to play the guitar and then smash miscellaneous things. He also likes to drive drunk and run over bushes. When he gets home he takes light bulbs and smashes them in the sink (true story). That was the funniest scene of the film, hands down. They have another son named Billy (Ty Wood), and two nieces (Sophi Knight, Amanda Crew) that stay with them. It's never explained why they are staying with the Campbell's (I thought maybe it's an M. Night plot twist...nope). The only person who can act in the film is Elias Koteas (The Fourth Kind, Defendor). He plays Reverend Popescu, who also has cancer. He tries to rid the house of the demons or ghosts or zombies or burned up kids or whatever is haunting this house. He's extremely unsuccessful, but nobody seems to care that he unleashed all hell on them.

Matt's cancer allows him to see the dead people/creatures (that's how it works in this film, yeaaah). Cancer = I see dead people. Makes perfect sense. To be honest, there isn't a whole lot that happens in this film. There are some stupid flashbacks, as well as some loud noises that are supposed to make us jump, I think. It turns out that the place is a House of 1,000 Corpses. There are dead bodies that mysteriously don't smell inside the walls. So Matt burns it down. Um...yeah, the end. You'd think they would just pack up and leave, but that would take too much brain power. I already know what you're thinking, "Jack, it's a movie!" Yes, I understand, but it's BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS! There are so many plot holes and unexplained things, I'll just stop there. Director Peter Cornwell (who?) really has a winner here. I don't mind stupid horror films as long as they make me laugh. This film is serious from beginning to end without being funny or suspenseful. BRUTAL! This film makes me want to freshen my breath with The Last Song or Jonas Brothers 3D. Let's see...watch Haunting in Connecticut or step into oncoming traffic? Hmm...
F