The Worst of 2009
I love bashing films, and this is my chance to do so. I am going to count down the ten worst films of 2009. These are some epic fails. Some brutal films (Transformers 2) just barely avoided this list. I will give a reason why you should stay away at all costs. One thing to remember is that I don't get paid to do reviews. Therefore, I don't have to see every last movie that gets released. So films like Race to Witch Mountain, Bride Wars, Hotel for Dogs, New in Town, The Pink Panther 2, Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience, Confessions of a Shopaholic, 12 Rounds, Stan Helsing, and The Marine 2 didn't make my list (which is a shame). So enjoy! And take my advice and keep your distance from these turds.
10. New Moon - Directed by Chris Weitz. Starring Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson.
These films are what some people call, "gay." If I enjoyed watching a bunch of dudes rubbing each other down while shirtless, then I have a problem. I still don't know why I watched this in the first place, it's just embarrassing to admit.
9. Taking Woodstock - Directed by Ang Lee. Starring Demetri Martin.
Lee was coming off his best (Lust, Caution) and took a dump on every ones chest with this film. I have an idea...let's make a film about Woodstock that doesn't involve music. Let's do 20 minute long scenes where three people sit in a van and do drugs. Great idea, Jim!
8. The Unborn - Directed David S. Goyer. Starring Odette Yustman.
Goyer can actually write. I have no clue what he was thinking with this unscary, unfunny, unentertaining piece of trash.
7. Halloween II - Directed by Rob Zombie. Starring Tyler Mane.
House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects were interesting horror films. And Halloween wasn't horrible. "Zombie" should have stopped while he was ahead. I can't wait for a 3rd, 4th, and 32nd Halloween to come out.
6. The Haunting in Connecticut - Directed by Peter Cornwell. Starring Kyle Gallner.
I reviewed this a while back. Ohhh did I hate this film. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Did I mention this film was dumb?
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - Directed by Terry Gilliam. Starring Christopher Plummer.
Good Lord this film was a mess. Why? Why did they have to ruin Heath's memory this awful, stupid, boring, messy, confusing, ugly film? Gilliam is a hit or miss director.
4. Humpday - Directed by Lynn Shelton. Starring Joshua Leonard.
Wow. Two straight guys bang each other and enter it into an art film festival. And they wonder why their girlfriends are upset. Are you kidding me? This is supposed to be humorous?
3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Directed by Stephen Sommers. Starring Dennis Quaid.
This film is laugh out loud stupid. They try to cover up the plot holes, stupid storyline and terrible acting with CGI. Nice try, douchebags.
2. Push - Directed by Paul McGuigan. Starring Dakota Fanning.
This is some sort of Matrix ripoff. I forget what it was about, but I do remember crying blood while watching it.
1. The Uninvited - Directed by Charles Guard, Thomas Guard. Starring Emily Browning.
Hands down, the absolute worst film of 2009. Haha, people are still trying to make sense of this stupid "horror" film. There's a supernatural force going on, and then there's the nice step-mom who the girls think is the devil, and then it turns out the young girl is a killer or something. The end.
10. New Moon - Directed by Chris Weitz. Starring Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson.
These films are what some people call, "gay." If I enjoyed watching a bunch of dudes rubbing each other down while shirtless, then I have a problem. I still don't know why I watched this in the first place, it's just embarrassing to admit.
9. Taking Woodstock - Directed by Ang Lee. Starring Demetri Martin.
Lee was coming off his best (Lust, Caution) and took a dump on every ones chest with this film. I have an idea...let's make a film about Woodstock that doesn't involve music. Let's do 20 minute long scenes where three people sit in a van and do drugs. Great idea, Jim!
8. The Unborn - Directed David S. Goyer. Starring Odette Yustman.
Goyer can actually write. I have no clue what he was thinking with this unscary, unfunny, unentertaining piece of trash.
7. Halloween II - Directed by Rob Zombie. Starring Tyler Mane.
House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil's Rejects were interesting horror films. And Halloween wasn't horrible. "Zombie" should have stopped while he was ahead. I can't wait for a 3rd, 4th, and 32nd Halloween to come out.
6. The Haunting in Connecticut - Directed by Peter Cornwell. Starring Kyle Gallner.
I reviewed this a while back. Ohhh did I hate this film. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Did I mention this film was dumb?
5. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - Directed by Terry Gilliam. Starring Christopher Plummer.
Good Lord this film was a mess. Why? Why did they have to ruin Heath's memory this awful, stupid, boring, messy, confusing, ugly film? Gilliam is a hit or miss director.
4. Humpday - Directed by Lynn Shelton. Starring Joshua Leonard.
Wow. Two straight guys bang each other and enter it into an art film festival. And they wonder why their girlfriends are upset. Are you kidding me? This is supposed to be humorous?
3. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Directed by Stephen Sommers. Starring Dennis Quaid.
This film is laugh out loud stupid. They try to cover up the plot holes, stupid storyline and terrible acting with CGI. Nice try, douchebags.
2. Push - Directed by Paul McGuigan. Starring Dakota Fanning.
This is some sort of Matrix ripoff. I forget what it was about, but I do remember crying blood while watching it.
1. The Uninvited - Directed by Charles Guard, Thomas Guard. Starring Emily Browning.
Hands down, the absolute worst film of 2009. Haha, people are still trying to make sense of this stupid "horror" film. There's a supernatural force going on, and then there's the nice step-mom who the girls think is the devil, and then it turns out the young girl is a killer or something. The end.
The Uninvited
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
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